Old Doorknobs

Alice in Wonderland:

"Doorknob: Read the directions and directly you

will be directed in the right direction.”

I need to remember this for reading the Word.

I took this picture this wknd near Charleston, TN on the Hiawassee River - an old schoolhouse.

schedules and assumed authority

I've been thinking a lot about schedules this weekend. Since i don't have a regular job and don't have to be anywhere a set time and set days (mostly) it has been hard to really have anything scheduled (qt, exercise, meals, etc). I remember back in the day at Camp Sonlight we would have everything scheduled: lights out, meals and snacks, exercise (recreation), bible study time, pre-meal devotions (vespers), etc. It was great! I didn't have to question anything so nothing really took discipline - just obedience.
What brought this about was watching Dead Poet's Society and Emperor's Club this weekend for my class at church (OC). They were both set in boy's schools (prep schools) where there schedule was set for them - oh, the days.
Now, you may be thinking how can this fit in to a psalm? Oh, but it does...
Ps 119.133
"Keep steady my steps according to your promise, and let no iniquity get dominion over me."

Basically - make my daily life - everything - be a habit of staying in your Word (or discerning every thing I do by light of your Word). And don't let me - give authority - to any sin to be over me. I want you to be the only Authority in my life - let no idolatry (selfishness, pride, materialism, gluttony, laziness, seeking approval from others) have POWER over me.

trampling the Word

Here I am at a hotel in Richmond - attending a genealogy conference. Drove up here - loving the VA landscape - it is so gorgeous. Definitely in the top 3 states to live in (after FL and GA). :)
But, asking some prayers of God right now - waiting patiently and obediently (albeit it is hard) for the answers. I have been pondering these verses for three days now and am just now getting to picking a couple to focus on - I love these verses. I'll combine them...good stuff...

Ps 119.41, 45
"Let your steadfast love come to me, O Lord, your salvation according to your promise. And I shall walk in a wide place, for I have sought your precepts."

God's steadfast love is not burdensome - it is a light thing (not one to be taken lightly though. I actually want it to be overwhelming - not something I can take lightly. But, I always think of the steadfast love of God as being something as part of his nature. Something of HIS covenant - faithful promise - something that is tied in with the very being and nature of God. That is something that can't be negated. HIS promise is tied in with WHO HE IS. That is namely his salvation - his mercies. But in here it is also victory and deliverance. I would like to think that can apply to earthly situations as well. But, know everything is worked together for the good of those who are called according to HIS SON.

The wide plce - the broad place - was the same as used with the Israelites that Moses would lead them to - out of Egypt, bondage, into a wide place, a place flowing with milk and honey - beneficial for them. God please don't let the bondage last 40 years. But, the second half of the psalm is I have sought your precepts. This sought is a cool word...to seek with care, inquire with a demand, to beat or to trample. Literally - beat the Word till you get an answer. How often do we seek others advice first before we take things to God and find His answers in the Word? Now - we do have wise Christian friends who will hopefully guide us with answers found in the Word - but this Psalm is telling us to trample the Word for answers - "terere libros" - to study and learn.

So - regarding situations that you are needing an answer for, guidance for - SEEK THE WORD - that is what it is here for - for us to hear from God and relish in his steadfast, zealous, love for us!

more bubbles

I read this and thought about this while on the way back from Little Sarasota Bay today. went down there for a great Mother's Day Lunch at a cool restaurant with great mahi mahi right on the water. Cloudy, but the smoke wasn't too bad down there on the water.

This is the verse my mind clung to today: ps 119.37
"Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways." This is a prayer of helplessness to the only one who can do it.
The writer is crying out - a sense of desparation - for God to turn his eyes, both physical and spiritual from looking (or contemplating, considering) worthless things: bubbles, vanity, emptiness - Ecclesiastes). I read that book this summer when I was learning about striving - how I do it and why I shouldn't do it - it was "depressing" as my roommate called it - but it was eye opening as I learned how often I chased after these bubbles.
But, by God turning our eyes from bubbles to his ways - there we find life. Not just life, but revived life (same as in 17), sustaining life. Isn't it amazing. One thing finds no worth at all - and the other can make all the difference.
This is where I find hope in the hopeless - make me look at it more.

more important things than March Madness

Last night - even with UF and UNC's wins to enter the Elite 8 and continue playing for b-ball's biggest prize...there is something even more important.

UPDATE as of Monday morning: Jason died this morning in NJ. Pray for the bball players, cheerleaders, friends, UNC students who loved "Ramses" the Ram. Pray as staff members of the Summit have many opportunities to minister to people there about Jason's relationship with Jesus. Jason: the UNC Mascot, was hit by a car in NJ prior to the game. As a close friend to Jason and the biggest Tarheel fan I know said..."we're not even concerned about b-ball right now, there are more important things...but, did the Gators win?". I told her yes, but I'm glad she and I both know the perspective and that life and death are definitely more important than b-ball.

days and smiles

This girl so makes me smile every time I see her bright face! Oh my goodness this girl is so cute! :) Thanks Tab for the pictures! She is so precious and full of life.

Well, my first full day as a Re-Floridian is almost over. Ate some chinese food with my Mom, oatmeal at Bob Evans (the pre-Cracker Barrel wanna be) for breakfast, made dinner for them tonight. Halfway unloaded my stuff. Keep looking for emails from my life. Don't know what life is going to look like down here for me except work and parents. I hope God brings something exciting (not just keeping busy) to me.

No, I'm not questioning the move - just trying to figure out what life is going to look like.

But, at least I get to see Vera's smiling face in blog world! :)

Self-Control? Self-Discipline? Legalism?

These have all been questions in my head lately - so I posed the question to several people I know to read their thoughts on the matter. I've read blogs, skimmed articles, etc. This is what I came up with this morning.

Self-Discipline - is something we do. We train our minds, bodies, etc to do, or not do, certain activities or behaviors. Eating, exercising, getting up early. This is a lot of what New Year's Resolutions are about - and thus they fail.

Self-Control - this is a gift from the Holy Spirit. It is not something we can muster up within ourselves. None of the grace gifts can we work up within ourselves. So, a lot of times I need to not rely on self but rely on the Spirit to work within me the gift of self-control. I have this, but I let flesh get in the way. Because I have all of the Holy Spirit (not some of Him), but I let flesh get in the way.

Legalism is the same way I've thought of it in the past. Working (or not working) to improve my standing before God. My standing before God is all grace.

Just some thoughts to ponder!

Cravings...

I've been thinking about this the past couple of days.
The holidays are a time for food cravings: eggnog, gingerbread, cranberries, mint, etc. There are some tastes that only can be had when it is cold outside
But, there are other cravings too.
I had one filled the other night by having dinner at a home (not an apt), with a family (not by myself), that was a real meal (meat and potatoes type thing). It was delicious, company was great. Much needed and sad to have gone for so long without it. A family - Mom, Dad, kid...that was great. All church families need to hook up single people with them and "adopt them". Not just college kids!
I was reading an email from a pastor of a church plant in White Plains NY the other day. A lady in their new church had the church over for dinner. In a busy metro place like NY a woman filled a need and some cravings by having fellowship and community in her home: by practicing hospitality. I guarantee there were people there who hadn't sat down to a meal all week - always eating on the run or grabbing a bagel at the corner bakery. Oh, the power of homecooked meals and fellowship.
Last night I made mac and cheese - the blue box kind. It was good. I hadn't had it in so long, someone at work mentioned it, and I wanted it. So, I'm glad I had a box. My roommate helped me eat some of it. I also made some homemade popcorn - which is much better than out of a bag (thanks Vern).
But...there is a spiritual craving I've been lacking lately. I'll lay down to read the Word and there is no drive for me to read it. I go through periods like this. I hate it. Ps 84, Ps 37, Ps 27, Ps 86 - all these talk about portions, cravings, desires, one thing...that is what I want. Why can't it be satiated just like my "need" for mac and cheese. My need for the Word and for fellowship with my Jesus is much more important than having those "blue box blues".
Just thought - may you crave the Savior this holiday season. He won't add pounds to your hips either! :)

What are you thankful for?

As I sat down with Ps 136 on this less hectic day after T-day: I found a lot to be thankful for:

My salvation - full and free
My parents - gracious and believing
My family - accepting
My friends - pushing, believing, edifying
The Word - hearing the very Word of God and in a world of lies knowing I can come to it and find unwavering Truth
Food - something I love to do and nourishment as God provides it.
Football - another fun thing (and something that brings my brother and I together more than not)
Possessions - they help make life easier
My education and brain - I love to think
Books - Helping insure the above
Creation - seeing a little bit of the God I serve when I walk outside

As you can see these aren't in any particular order after the first 5. I hope you have found things to be thankful for - and share it with the people you are thankful for! :)

Exact truth in the It Is Finished

This is it for me:
6a start (that is nothing out of the ordinary)
7a - 2 hour dentist appt - boy, those are fun. The funnest part is finding out your dental coverage by Duke is only paying 1/8th of it.
945a - finally get to work, had desk full of stuff, and finally caught up by lunch at 12.45a (right now).
Power bills and leases - they are not fun either as they have been thrown into the mix today.
5p - get off work and running to the leasing office and eat dinner before going to W-S to work and stand on my feet till at least 10p tonight.
Come home, read some in The Innocent Man by John Grisham (a great piece of Nonfiction if you want any). Get to bed by 1130p probably - what a long day!

Today is a hard day to say "This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." But, the truths of Scripture are not based on what kind of day we are having - is it? Praise God it isn't. As Luke 1.4 says: it is Exact TRUTH!

As I am reading in Valley of Vision right now, I started thinking that even though I know that my works can not influence God's Thoughts toward me - they are eternally based on grace and mercy - how often do I live in the thought that I am a: disappointment, horrible handler of money, a sinner. Help me to live in:
"The 'It Is Finished!'
Increase my faith in the clear knowledge of atonement achieved, expiation completed, satisfaction made, guilt done away, my debt paid, my sins forgiven, my person redeemed, my soul saved, hell vanquished (much worse then the dentist and Duke Power), heaven opened, eternity made mine."

Recent themes in personal Worship

I've been reading in a couple things for my personal worship times:
My Utmost For His Highest
A Year with CS Lewis
Valley of Vision
Praying the Names of Jesus
The Psalms

I'm also keeping a prayer journal which helps me stay focused in prayer b/c I tend to wander...in my mind that is. So, writing it down helps me focus and be more articulate in my prayers.
Satisfaction
Complete Surrender
Bearer of Image
Complete Satisfaction

I read this this morning in Utmost: (and I thought of how Billy and Phyllis reacted to it when they read it together in a much warmer St. Augustine)
we are here to exhibit one thing - the absolute captivity of our lives to Jesus Christ

do my actions oppose grace?

tomlin concert tonight at the State Fair (along with some roasted corn and friends) so I'm using this morning to listen to some Tomlin stuff on my iTunes. I love iTunes cause it just plays and plays - you never have to put another CD in - good technology stuff!

Ps 59
Did you know that the evil burp in the Bible - I love all these little oddities found in Scripture.
"My God - in his lovingkindness - will meet me" I love the thought of God's lovingkindness - it is covenantal love - He can't go against it. It's the love He shows Abraham and Moses and David and me when Jesus was on the cross. He will meet me with perfect everlasting faithful love.

VofV
The heavens declare your glory - even now as the Tomlin song says "star creator, mountain maker, wind breather, you made it all." The very earth will cry out to be reunited with its Creater. Even the rocks will cry out.
"Give me to feel a need of his continual saviorhood" - This goes with what I was blogging yesterday - I can't put any good forth apart from the work of Jesus in my life - what makes me think I'm better than Job, Peter, and the Publican - I'm no better than they - I am just as vile, and perishing, and a sinner.
"Often knowingly opposing thy authority" - I sin so much while knowing it. Whether it is sleeping past the snooze alarm when I know I have to get up, or evil thoughts (sin working in me while I sleep), anger and impatience, pride, gossip, etc. It never ends.

Boy - this little pamphlet Phyllis gave - describes me to a "t".
"a Stubborn unteachable spirit, sarcastic expressions, driving commanding spirit." I know God has worked in me to still my Spirit some over the years, but God is still at work because I am still sinning in this life - all for me." These things listed are a sign of living for myself - not letting Christ live in me."

JP - "The biblical role of past grace - especially the cross - is to guarantee the certainty of future grace - Rom 8.32). That is what I live on every day. Praise God for infinite grace!

Dying to self by grace

Nailed my glory to his cross - that is a perfect way to start a quiet time. That is a line from a Caedmon's Call song "I Boast No More". We die - we are dead - Christ died and now lives again. We boast in the cross and Him crucified - Gal 6.14

From the little pamplet Phyllis gave "The stirrings of anger or impatience". That is so me, in my car, in my house, at work especially, in church even...when will this living for self cease?

Enduring pain - what do we learn from it. There have been two painful relationships in my time in NC and I've learned one truth from them, "Above all else, guard your heart for out of it flows the spring of life." That is a wise saying from the preacher in Prov 4.23. Both times I did not heed this sound advice, I was hurt. Those pains stay with me, having learned from them - I know it is now harder to give my heart away. Some people call it mistrust, I call it heading warning. There is a difference. "It is well, with my soul" by the Shanes is playing right now. God - you have used obstacles of pain in my life to teach me more about You. Thank you for bringing me through it and you more glory.

VofV
If I believe wholeheartedly in the complete work of salvation in Christ's death on the cross (which I do), why do I put myself in the mix in sanctification? That is the entire work of the Spirit - I have no imput apart from grace. 1 Cor 15.10 - even the good I do - that is grace. Grace is a free gift - nothing that I can earn (Eph 2.8-10). Make yourself all in my life.

Ps 58
"Surely there is reward for the righteous". May I count on God to vindicate my works (see above). May I not seek the praise of men - because that would be pride, not put myself out there - wait on God for His purposes in my life. Not want to seek the harm of the wicked - but knowing His glory will come from it. He is all - He will reign.

The call of the gospel is to die to self. you think I would have it down by now - of leaving self and clinging to Christ - but daily I seek my own gain. When will I die to myself. When will I let the Spirit kill me. When will the release happen of pride, selfish gain, anger, hypocrisy, worldliness, etc. I want you more than these things - what steps do I need to take in my life (grace) to reconcile that want to my actions

Tuesday reflections

Jamming in my head this morning to a DC Talk song "In the Light". OC said this morning that when we are in the light (walking in obedience) - sin is dead. Isn't that what the Word says: dwell in God, walk in Light, defeat sin on a daily basis...choose Right living. Love His righteousness, choose Life over death, be holy for He is holy.
Obedience, rejoicing, praying without ceasing, living peacefully, hating life and not clinging to it, loving others as ourselves - more importantly as Christ loved us...those are all choices. Will I walk in obedience today - through the Grace of God. Resting in God's life - in me. The Spirit will pursue me to obey and love God.
"Daily walking close to thee, I am weak but you are strong (I am dead without you), I'll be satisfied, just a closer walk with thee."
Do we plea to God for a stronger pursuit of Him. That was one of my prayer requests for the Robshaws this weekend - that I would pursue and thirst - more than anything. That I would hunger. Do we? do I? what other things do we pursue after?
An important, independent spirit? This came from the first paragraph in a littly pamphlet Phyllis gave me yesterday. Do I think of myself better than others, Christians or non-Christians? YES. I'll just answer the question rightly. With the unsaved who irritate me and do ungodly things, I know I'm better. Not always remembering I was the same way before Christ. With Christians I brag on what I do...not always remembering that the good work in me is grace as well. May have to read Humility by CJ Mahaney again coming up as everything I hear and think about reminds me of how prideful I am.
Ps 56.12
"Your vows are binding upon me, O God, I will render thank offerings to you."
His promises, truths, commands, words, are BINDING upon me. This is what I really admire in Phyllis. She is not a theologian by any means to know all the big words or discussions that are filling the seminary classrooms. But, she KNOWS the WORD - she believes, claims, trusts in the promises of God. They are binding upon her. She takes her very stance in them. But then the Psalmist immediately says he will praise. We don't often think of something binding and praiseworthy. But, the Word gives life.
As I come to this Tuesday at 6.35a - I have the chance to obey, praise, live in humilty and praise in the binding vows of God upon my life, today. Oh God let me do it.

Playing with bubbles

My roomie said that I picked such a depressing book to read tonight.
Vanity upon vanities...has that been part of my life in NC?
Anyway...I'm TIRED today. Not sleepy tired or physically worn out from exercising (although I am taking a break today), I'm just spiritually exhausted. It hit me all at once this afternoon.
I'm tired of striving to have people think better of me.
I'm tired of being hurt
I'm tired of being sinful
I'm tired of living in a sinful world where people kill each other for no apparant reason (other than the fact they probably don't know Jesus).
I'm tired, plain and simple.
So, I thought of this little acronym:
T - Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
I - Incline my heart to fear Your Name
R - Restore unto me the joy of your salvation
E - Ecclesiastes (I actually thought of cease striving, end striving - and that brought me to Ecc)
D - Die to self - for to me to live is Christ and to die is gain.

Then, the youth pastor at my church in St. Aug preached on resting in Jesus yesterday. I haven't heard it yet, but Matt 11.28-30 is a great passage. Rest in Jesus - his yoke is light, his burden light to carry. Resting in Jesus is better than striving after vanity (bubbles that pop and leave nothing when they hit the ground). Resting in Jesus is better than anything. So, why do I do so little of it.
Vanity of vanities...maybe a depressing book. But, Solomon (or the preacher) thought he had it all too at one point - he found out later he didn't.
Do I really think that all these things are better for me...no. I know my worth is not equal to how much I weigh, how many people I know, what classes I teach, how many girls I disciple, how many women's conferences I lead, etc. But, why do I act on that sometimes - or strive after that?
Ecclesiastes: by The Preacher (or the Holy Spirit in another words)
1.3 What does man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun?
1.14-15 I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind. What is crooked cannot be made straight,and what is lacking cannot be counted
2.11 Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun.
2.23-23 What has a man from all the toil and striving of heart with which he toils beneath the sun? For all his days are full of sorrow, and his work is a vexation. Even in the night his heart does not rest. This also is vanity.
3.2b - a time to pluck up what is planted (have I quit planting, now am working on sowing and plucking up)?
3.11 - He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end
4.1-3 Again I saw all the oppressions that are done under the sun. And behold, the tears of the oppressed, and they had no one to comfort them! On the side of their oppressors there was power, and there was no one to comfort them. And I thought the dead who are already dead more fortunate than the living who are still alive. But better than both is he who has not yet been and has not seen the evil deeds that are done under the sun.
5.1-3 Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. To draw near to listen is better than to offer the sacrifice of fools, for they do not know that they are doing evil. Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few. For a dream comes with much business, and a fool's voice with many words. (stuck right in the middle of this book is a reminder that God is God - He is just and holy - we are sinful man.)
10.5-7 - There is an evil that I have seen under the sun, as it were an error proceeding from the ruler: folly is set in many high places, and the rich sit in a low place. I have seen slaves on horses, and princes walking on the ground like slaves
12.8 - (key verse) Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher; all is vanity.
12.13 - A good note to end on for Solomon - Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. But oh, it is so hard. But for Grace

In the words of Chris Rice..."weak and wounded sinner, lost and left to die"..."come, cry to Jesus". And I'll add... Rest in Jesus

Sleep>Christ

Now, I'm not saying we should go without sleep. But, take me for example. I do my QT in the morning b/c that is when I'm fresh without the cares of the day and the boringness of work to cloud my judgment. Focusing on the Word in the morning also helps me dwell on it all day. But, if I stay up too late at night, or just crave that extra 2 hours of fitful sleep that comes after hitting the snooze button a couple of times...those QTs don't happen.
So, move the alarm clock. I put mine tonight in the bathroom so I'm right near the sink to wash my face and clear across the room so I actually have to get out of bed to shut it off (don't wanna make the neighbors mad when they hear it at 5.15a).
Now, God does create us to be whole people in His image, but He also wants us to prioritize HIM. Focus on Him. Shut the alarm clock off and not just press snooze. God wants us to get sleep - but if that means leaving Him out then something else must go.
We tithe our money - but do we spend 2 hrs and 24 minutes of our day with Him. I know I don't...but I spend that amount of time doing other things.
Good morning - this is your wake up call!

thinking rightly

Went to a singles' Bible study at Sovereign Grace Apex last night. It was good - a little younger than I thought it was going to be, mostly college students, but the study and thought are worth the trip to Apex once a month.
This year the study is on the Doctrine of God and how that affects our daily lives (careers, gender roles, relationships, schooling, etc). Last night we read some out of the NT and Ps 50 - which I had just read for my QT. But, also we read out of the intro and first chapter in Tozer's book - The Knowledge of the Holy. Great book by the way - on the "easy but meaty" list for doctrine of God studies.
He was talking about thinking rightly about God. What does that mean? If we answer that than what is idolatry? A couple of things stood out to me...
1. Idolatry is when we don't think rightly about God. Because if we think wrongly about God then we are putting that god in God's place. Get my drift?
2. Churches start to go astray when they don't think or study or preach rightly about God. Most of you probably know the churches I am talking about, but even seemingly more conservative churches about God. If they don't preach and live the RIGHT thinking about God and preach ALL of who God is - then they are going astray. This is why preaching expositorally is necessary. The Bible is how we know how to think rightly about God and in turn "love God with all our minds" - Matt 22.37

Of course - the only way we know how to think rightly about God or can even think about God at all is Grace! That is underlying everything we do. Praise God for it!

On a side note - may not post now till Sunday. Got a busy night tonight, tomorrow is Cortnee and Jeremy's wedding, then hanging with Melissa, then cooking, new friends, Gator football, Church...

The Perfection of Beauty

I completely have been a slacker. As I said in a comment on Jenn's blog we strive in grace - even grace is needed for us to strive. I haven't even been doing that. I've been receiving grace - but not using that grace wisely - (if I can even do that?)
Ps 50 starts out with a very real and often-lesser view of God (for most of the world):
The Mighty One, God the Lord, speaks and summons the earth from the rising of the sun to its setting. Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God shines forth. Our God comes; he does not keep silence; before him is a devouring fire...
We often like to think of God as a Giver, Lover, Friend (which He is all graciously all those things), but we don't like to look to Him as a devouring fire, mighty tempest, shining light, mighty one, perfect. That often isn't appealing to us.
The perfection of beauty. Man, how I would like to take that class Dr. Little teaches at SEBTS now on aethetics and philosophy. Can we even fathom the perfection of beauty. We say there is a beauty in the eye of the beholder - but God is the perfection of beauty - everything else is in relation to that.
Another phrase in this psalm I like:
But to the wicked God says:“What right have you to recite my statutes or take my covenant on your lips? For you hate discipline,and you cast my words behind you.
God would consider my actions the past few weeks wicked. He wouldn't consider me wicked b/c I've been purchased and redeemed by the Blood of Christ - but I have put so many things above HIM the past few weeks. I have hated discipline in spiritual things and have constantly put His words behind me. Oh, God - give me grace, not to say that arrived (thanks Jenn for the reminder) but to press into the wonderful grace and face of Jesus.
This is who I want to be - the end of the psalm:
The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me; to one who orders his way rightly I will show the salvation of God!

Anticipating Chapter 4

Ok - I've been tempting my mother with this all day - she has no clue what chapter 4 is. But...she is about to find out.
Ruth. I'm studying it in preparation for a women's conference I'm speaking at in November. It is already being used mightily in my life by the Spirit.
Starts out with famine and death...ends with hope and life. OK - so I'd like to get to chapter 4. It goes very well with Rom 8.32 which I really love. I'm in a bitter and un-content time in my life right now - just where Naomi was. And I'm sure deep down Ruth was too (she wasn't perfect). But men and jobs have done their number on me today. Why do we have to have either one of them. Both are necessary though but both are highly frustrating. Why?
But - that is where chapter 4 comes in - HOPE in a BABY. Not Obed - necessarily - but in his future...JESUS - the BABY of all BABIES!
So, you will be hearing a lot more from Ruth in the next 2 months as I prepare. As always - I learn more when i do the teaching/speaking than I ever do if I'm just sitting. (Unless it is someone like Nelson or Piper or someone like the caliber of them).

Am I missing something?

Now, I want to preface this whole blog (probably my most personal yet and maybe never this personal again) by saying that I believe wholeheartedly in the Sovereignty of God - the fact that God is God, He is above all things, and He answers to no one, least of all me.
Have I missed something? Do I not know how to listen to God? Do I not hear Him when He speaks? Do I not know what blessings are - or have I missed them all?
This has been a rough day...a day full of sin of horrible attitudes, spiteful attitudes - not one of Paul's thoughts in Romans when he said he would rather be accursed than to see any of his countrymen (the Jews) go to hell. It wouldn't have come out of my mouth today. I get mad b/c someone won't give me the time of day even when asked a direct question and ignores me and thinks she is better than me. But, I won't even go out of my way to be nice to her (b/c I'm too prideful) so that she could see someone who is a Christian and maybe come to know Jesus. My pride is more important than her eternal salvation. Who am I?
THen I read Ps 37 - be not envious of evil doers. Here this person has a higher job than I do, has a fiance' - although it is not a godly relationship whatsoever, wears great clothes, is thinner than me and can seem to eat anything she wants.
Then right after that God says (since He breathed Scripture) dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. How long? When do you leave the land and cultivate faithfulness somewhere else? Will that faithfulness be rewarded ever?
Then keep on going...delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...commit your way to the Lord and He will bring it to pass. I've been knowing and trying to live this verse since early high school. Desires are Christ - or they need to be. But are we to expect earthly blessings - no, we aren't to be expectant of anything b/c everything we get is grace. I think I'm too good. I think that because I am trying to live my life according to the Word (even though it is so hard) I deserve something. I don't. But - we want to deserve something. Should life be so unlike we ever thought it would be. High school friends are married and are living the life they always thought they would. College friends are doing the same. Seminary friends are thriving in marriages and churches and ministries and having babies. And I'm still stuck in this life...not being able to do what I want to do, living day to day wanting to do something else, never being satisfied with anything, trying tonight to eat my way to when I feel better. I know that isn't going to help anything. I just want something different from life. That life has to have God as the Center...but why can't I have some other things as well. Christ is enough...He's enough for all those people that have great ministries and families too. But, they have other great gifts of God as well. I don't. What am I missing?

Those are my thoughts tonight