Friday, August 11, 2006

Am I missing something?

Now, I want to preface this whole blog (probably my most personal yet and maybe never this personal again) by saying that I believe wholeheartedly in the Sovereignty of God - the fact that God is God, He is above all things, and He answers to no one, least of all me.
Have I missed something? Do I not know how to listen to God? Do I not hear Him when He speaks? Do I not know what blessings are - or have I missed them all?
This has been a rough day...a day full of sin of horrible attitudes, spiteful attitudes - not one of Paul's thoughts in Romans when he said he would rather be accursed than to see any of his countrymen (the Jews) go to hell. It wouldn't have come out of my mouth today. I get mad b/c someone won't give me the time of day even when asked a direct question and ignores me and thinks she is better than me. But, I won't even go out of my way to be nice to her (b/c I'm too prideful) so that she could see someone who is a Christian and maybe come to know Jesus. My pride is more important than her eternal salvation. Who am I?
THen I read Ps 37 - be not envious of evil doers. Here this person has a higher job than I do, has a fiance' - although it is not a godly relationship whatsoever, wears great clothes, is thinner than me and can seem to eat anything she wants.
Then right after that God says (since He breathed Scripture) dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. How long? When do you leave the land and cultivate faithfulness somewhere else? Will that faithfulness be rewarded ever?
Then keep on going...delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...commit your way to the Lord and He will bring it to pass. I've been knowing and trying to live this verse since early high school. Desires are Christ - or they need to be. But are we to expect earthly blessings - no, we aren't to be expectant of anything b/c everything we get is grace. I think I'm too good. I think that because I am trying to live my life according to the Word (even though it is so hard) I deserve something. I don't. But - we want to deserve something. Should life be so unlike we ever thought it would be. High school friends are married and are living the life they always thought they would. College friends are doing the same. Seminary friends are thriving in marriages and churches and ministries and having babies. And I'm still stuck in this life...not being able to do what I want to do, living day to day wanting to do something else, never being satisfied with anything, trying tonight to eat my way to when I feel better. I know that isn't going to help anything. I just want something different from life. That life has to have God as the Center...but why can't I have some other things as well. Christ is enough...He's enough for all those people that have great ministries and families too. But, they have other great gifts of God as well. I don't. What am I missing?

Those are my thoughts tonight

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